The M-word – Moisturisers

There are an increasing number of modern day phenomenon’s that awaken the grumpy old woman in me. Moisturisers are one of them, or at least the marketing hype and total bullshit which accompanies the sales of them.

I often ask myself do women actually believe this absolute shite? Yet it appears yes, many do. Sane, apparently intelligent women I’ve spoken to are willing to part with huge sums of money in exchange for this elixir and the promise of youthful, glowing, repaired, age reversed, shrunken pores, wrinkle free skin.

Really??? I find it startling that women can be quite that gullible, or is it desperate, that we can be so easily seduced and duped by falsehoods and hyperbole? It’s a f***ing moisturiser for crying out loud! It will not replicate your DNA, shrink enlarged pores, reverse ageing, remove wrinkles, or any other BS claim. What it will do is temporarily plump skin, it will smell nice, it will leave your skin feeling peachy soft, and it has the capacity to leave you feeling a little bit lovelier.

For the record, and in case you’re wondering, I use a facial oil in the winter and a lovely smelling moisturiser on the bits that need it in the summer. I’m a stickler for using face products relieved of chemically derived substitutes, or perfume. This is a personal choice based on an extensive knowledge of skincare ingredients, our anatomy, nutrition, exercise, stress, and other shit that affects how healthy skin looks.

Instinct and experience tells me that there are brilliant, naturally occurring fragrances (personal favourites are neroli, rose, geranium, frankincense, and ginger), many of which have been used for millennia to produce glowing, healthy skin.

Some hints to stop you from losing the moisturiser plot –

  • Apply moisturiser where and when you need it – if it ain’t dry it doesn’t need moisturising
  • Remember to moisturise your neck and décolleté (the boney bit below your neck and before your breasts) – from an ‘age give away’ point of view these are the first to shrivel like a prune
  • Use one with an SPF ……..yes, even in winter and dull days. Check out those with natural UVB filters such as minerals zinc oxide or titanium dioxide, or propolis, walnut derivatives, or alder buckthorn
  • Be smart – it is a moisturiser not a miracle in cream form, irrespective of the claims made or whichever beauty editor/celeb is raving about it
  • Drink more water
  • Wear sunscreen
  • Stop smoking
  • Avoid sugar

The M-word Muppets ….on the road

No, I’m not talking about the delightful creations of Jim Henson, I’m talking about the incendiary behaviour of arseholes who appear not to give a shit about others, are just plain stupid, completely thoughtless, infuriatingly selfish, or so full of their own self-importance they leave you (read me, they leave me) foaming at the mouth and ranting like I’m possessed ………now, tell me again, why do I have high blood pressure???

As is my way, I’ve compiled my top 5 worst muppet behaviours –

  • Drivers who flout the ‘must not enter’ law of a box junction, in particular, when they do so knowing it blocks the road for other drivers. I’m convinced they see the highway code merely as a suggestion, as something they can choose to observe depending upon what sort of day they’ve had. The same applies to drivers who block exits on roundabouts, especially when they then don’t have the balls to look you in the eye as you’re screaming at them …….they’re the worse kind they are, fucking cowards
  • Drivers who hog the middle lane of the motorway, doing 60mph, all the while animatedly chatting away to their passenger, oblivious of other drivers. Same applies to drivers who overtake at the last second, believing that because they’ve indicated (at the last second) it makes it OK to drive like a complete knob-end
  • Drivers who park, blocking the road, thereby creating the highway equivalent of Russian roulette as you’re forced to pull around them. Same goes for those who park on the pavement, forcing pedestrians, wheelchairs users, pushchairs et al into the road
  • Drivers who speed through residential, built-up, or narrow country lanes. Clearly they drive at high speed believing they’re playing an Xbox game, or they’re on a scale sized Scalextric. Either way, I will them with all my heart to crash violently without involving any other person, creature, or tree
  • Drivers who don’t indicate. Drivers who fail to acknowledge when you’ve let them out out of a junction (they won’t ever let anyone out as they reckon it makes you weak and a complete loser). Drivers who overtake on bends. Drivers who overtake in the path of oncoming traffic. Drivers who are attempting to apply lipstick/mascara/eye drops/take clothing off/retrieving something from the passenger foot well/off the back seat. And finally, the total dickwads who use a mobile device

This list is by no means definitive, and it is subject to change depending upon what is currently pissing me off. Ultimately, this is about behaviour that directly endangers another person simply because the driver is a thoughtless wankstain. And, although there are laws against everything I’ve listed (or there ought to be) the law is pretty pointless unless it can be enforced.

If you believe in karma then we can only hope and pray with all our collective hearts that they will indeed get their comeuppance, that all of their teeth will fall out, except one, and in that one remaining tooth they have a deeply painful abscess (with no access to a dentist, just to make the curse worthwhile)  …….then my work here will be done.